Top Uses for Miami Bull’s Leftovers

Nikki Muller

Writer, editor, performer and self-producer

This April, Miami’s Tech Month kicked off with the city’s crypto-friendly mayor Francis Suarez unveiling the “Miami Bull” statue in front of the Miami Beach Convention Center, which housed the Bitcoin 2022 conference. This headline-grabbing moment gave both fans and critics of Suarez plenty to talk about, with many delighting in a small missing detail: apparently, unlike its traditional “Charging Bull” counterpart on Wall Street, the “Miami Bull” was missing its testes.

This little bit of trivia served as a delightful metaphor for those skeptical of whether there’s bite behind the bark of Bitcoin, seeming to undercut Suarez’s very statements that the bull serves as a metaphor for Miami’s own virility when it comes to the city’s bullishness on crypto and the future of finance. According to Abram Brown at Forbes, the company that footed the bill for the artwork, Tradestation, “neutered the creature to ensure it wasn’t seen as promoting a male-focused financial industry. ‘Prosperity and wealth shouldn’t have any gender,’ says Marco Carrucciu, a vice president at the online brokerage.”

The bro-worthy “iron man #bitcoin bull” was conceived by the poetically-named Furio Tedeschi, who, in a surprise to no one, also did art design for Michael Bay’s cinematic love letter to testosterone, the Transformers film series. (According to Brown, “[t]he bull’s subsequent design came together quickly over a matter of a few weeks, [with] Tedeschi drawing inspiration from an unused Transformers concept image, a giant mecha-gorilla.”)

With Tech month coming to a close, the Miami Bull is relocating to its permanent home on the Miami Dade College Wolfson campus, but the “huge, mechanical balls” of Tedeschi’s design remain unhoused. Inspired by another recent April celebration—Earth Day—I thought we might consider how these cyber cajones might find an ecofriendly second life with these new uses:

Repurposed for bowling. They’re mechanical, right? So likely you could get a competitive edge for your bowling league by tweaking in some kind of gyroscopic mod. Either way, you’re sure to be talk of the bowling alley with these eye-grabbing accessories.
Impress everyone at your Crossfit gym. Nothing says fitness like flinging around some giant testicles crafted out of chrome and fiberglass. “Oh you think your 50-lbs kettlebell swing is on point, Tyler? CHECK THIS OUT.” Sick gonad gains, bruh.
Upgrade your cat toys. The “Miami Bull” came complete with blue laser eyes. I can only assume that, if similarly equipped with matching lasers, its balls would make for hours of kitty fun.
Bro up your new e-truck. With even the Chevy Silverado coming out as an EV, some dudes are worried that losing the gas-guzzling charm of their trucks will undermine their masculinity. Have no fear: by draping this sci-fi scrotum from your trailer hitch, you get all the traditional charm of old-fashioned Truck Nuts while signaling to the world, “I’m a modern guy who spends a ton of time talking about crypto on Reddit.”
Negotiate Equal Pay to Your Male Counterparts. Are you a woman in finance? Does your life suck? Are you tired of being overlooked and underpaid? Well, next time a big company meeting arises and every guy in the room is stealing your ideas or claiming they can’t hear your too-high voice, whip out these puppies, slam them down on the table, and I guarantee you, you will be heard. It will also signal that you’re up to date on the latest in crypto, which is another thing men in finance assume women know nothing about.
Upgrade “Fearless Girl.” Standing opposite the “Charging Bull” on Broad Street, the “Fearless Girl” sculpture was (allegedly) intended as an inspiring icon of female power on male-dominated Wall Street. I’d argue an even more feminist statue would just be laying the crypto-bull’s balls at her feet. Or perhaps dangling from her fists. Heck, even just the balls alone are sort of a cool feminist icon of resistance.

While there’s no one best use for a mecha-bitcoin-bull’s balls, there is one objective truth: it really did not need those in the first place. Is he fixing to impregnate a mecha-ETH-cow with his cryptoseed? No. And it’s weird to be talking this much about an imaginary non-animal’s genitals anyway. But I guess this is the world we live in.